Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Start spreadin' the news

“A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners.”
- Mignon McLaughlin

I think someone should just take this city and just... just flush it down the fuckin' toilet.
All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets.
Thank God for the rain to wash the trash off the sidewalk.
Let me tell you something. You're in a hell, and you're gonna die in a hell, just like the rest of 'em!

Know why they named this city twice? So you mooks would have an easier time remembering where you lived. Seriously...what other city has the ego to consider it's suburbs "upstate?" Albany, Buffalo, those are upstate. Yonkers is not. One doesn't commute from upstate. One takes vacations upstate. And what's with doubling up on all the sports teams? NY Jets and NY Giants (who, apparently also dislike the city so much they play in jersey), NY Mets and NY Yankees, Ny Rangers and NY Islanders (yes-I know-"da Islanders are from Lohn Guyland." Long Island is just new york east), NY Knicks and NJ Nets (hey-if the jints and jets can claim to be from NY-they gotta take the Nets. It's the same fan base-the nets used to be from new york- and north jersey is really just new york west). That means that even one half the new yorkers hate the other half because they root for the wrong new york team. (yes-I'm aware i left out the sabers and the bills-but NY city barely acknowledge buffalo, or the rest of the state. Hence, land that is still east of the hudson is considered upstate. Besides, this post is a rant on the city, the rest of the state is actually ok.)
For the record-despite what you'll hear in NY, dog and log rhyme. NY pedestrians, just because you have the right of way doesn't mean you need to be an ass about using it. If a car is way down the street, go ahead and cross against the light. If it's ten feet away, don't go amblin' across the street. Motorists, honking doesn't do any good. If the car in front of you could move, it would. Everyone, those loud siren noises and flashing lights, those are to alert you that an emergency vehicle is approaching. Drivers, pull off to the side. Pedestrians, wait on the sidewalk until the vehicle passes. Look, I understand that you are all big bad tough guy new yorkers. But there is no reason for you walk with your buddies side by side, taking up the whole sidewalk, at barely a snails pace. When someone faster passes you, realize it's not an insult. No one thinks you aren't the top dog anymore. Don't feel the need to push your way in front of that faster person at the next traffic signal just to make sure everyone knows you're there. Because now that faster person has to try to find another place on the next block to pass you. Related to that-if you're only traveling as fast as the people on the sidewalk, stay on the sidewalk. Leave the open space between the parked cars and the traffic for those that are trying to move faster. Why does everyone just need 45 cents to get a train back to long island? You panhandlers need to get a new schtick. Hey, drunk guys, stop throwin' your empty Jack Daniels bottles across the street- you're going to hurt someone. And find a trash can to puke in. Don't just vomit on the sidewalk. Remember after 9-11 all these tourists went to new york to see ground zero? They all said the same thing, "It smells so bad." Guess what. That had nothing to do with the towers going down. That's just how new york always smells. It always smells like garbage. Speaking of garbage- Mister cd selling man standing on the corner, I don't want your stupid homemade album. I'm sure you think you're a talented artist. But I'm not interested. There is absolutely no need to throw your bigoted hate speech my way.

I hate this place. This zoo. This prison. This reality, whatever you want to call it, I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink and every time I do, I fear that I've somehow been infected by it.


Brettallica said...

I wish I lived in New York so I could have a basis for my anti-New York rage.

Actually scratch that; I'd never want to live in New York for any reason.

Anonymous said...

i work in midtown and i HATE THIS GOD FORSAKEN place too!!!

totally agree on every single thing you said!

im moving outta this dump in february. cant fuckin wait!